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Counsel, we know how a day can get long and you sometimes need a break to regroup, maybe you have just settled a case or have begun on a new one or are right in the middle of one that is taking a lot out of you.  Here at The Legal Pad you can take a seat, kick back and relax a little.  I have gathered a few sites for you that might be of interest.

"It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get."
- Arnold Palmer

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Humorous Testimony


Q.   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A.   Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________________________________________________

Q.   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A.   Yes.
Q.   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A.   I forget.
Q.   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   How old is your son, the one living with you?
A.   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q.   How long has he lived with you?
A.   Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
A.   He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q.   And why did that upset you?
A.   My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
A.   We both do.
Q.   Voodoo?
A.   We do.
Q.   You do?
A.   Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A.   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A.   Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Were you present when your picture was taken?
A.   Would you repeat the question?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A.   Yes.
Q.   And what were you doing at that time?
A.   Uh....
_______________________________________________________

Q.   She had three children, right?
A.   Yes.
Q.   How many were boys?
A.   None.
Q.   Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   How was your first marriage terminated?
A.   By death.
Q.   And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Can you describe the individual?
A.   He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q.   Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Q.?
A.   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.   All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A.   Oral.
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A.   The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q.   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
A.   No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing  an autopsy on him!
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A.   Huh?
_______________________________________________________

Q.   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A.   No.
Q.   Did you check for blood pressure
A.   No.
Q.   Did you check for breathing?
A.   No.
Q.   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A.   No.
Q.   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A.   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q.   But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A.   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law!

Can You Believe These Are Laws?

Alabama
  • It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
  • Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
  • It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
California
  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.]
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
Florida
  • Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
  • A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
  • If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
  • It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
  • Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
  • Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
  • It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
  • When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
Kansas
  • Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.
Louisiana
  • It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
Indiana
  • It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
  • Liquor stores may not sell milk.
Michigan
  • You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
Nebraska
  • It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
New York
  • A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
  • It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
  • A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
North Dakota
  • Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
  • It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio
  • It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
  • It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
Pennsylvania
  • A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.
Texas
  • It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
  • It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
  • It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
  • It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
  • A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
  • The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Wisconsin
  • You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
  • Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

U.S. Veterans History Project

Michelle Smith is helping NCRA (National Court Reporter Association) with the Veterans History Project that was implicated by the United States Library of Congress.  As part of the project she is an interviewer that interviews veterans that served in a support role to our nation's military during World War I, World War II, or the Korean, Vietnam or Persian Gulf.  If you know of a veteran or someone who served in support and is interested in having their memories put in writing and placed in the Library of Congress, please contact Michelle regarding setting up a project interview.

“How does that little machine work”?

“Whereas the law is passionless, passion must ever sway the heart of man.”
ARISTOTLE

 
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